I know that creating a Godly atmosphere in your home is
incredibly important with how the children act, etc. How do you go about
that?
The
life living through us at all times is the greatest way to keep an atmosphere,
also keeping godly music playing, listening to a Message, praying/singing with
the children, or by yourself...just keeping God in mind throughout the day in
all you do...it just happens. Sometimes when I listen to a Message and It speaks
to me, I just can tell the atmosphere around me is different...the quickening of
that Word in my life.
When
I have guests in or we are talking and visiting as a family, I like to have
music/instrumentals playing softly in background because it is easier to visit
and talk with. If I want to create an atmosphere of worship, I love to have
singing of songs that create worship to sing along with as you go about your
daily duties. If we need to cheer up the household, I have lighter, happier,
faster songs singing to sing along with or uplift our spirits. Nowadays, with
the electronic devices we have, we can make our own playlists of the songs we
have for the different occasions you need of them.
How do you deal with fussing/how does one go about
preventing it? That is hard to cover as a
blanket because it comes about in many different ways. With young children is it
impossible to keep it from happening...or totally preventing it, but the person
in charge has to keep positive in all situations. Like when sharing becomes a
problem, everyone wants life to be fair...sometimes you can make things fair
without making a big deal about it and other times you have to teach them that
life isn't always fair to us, but we have to be tough and make the most of it.
Finding something to teach in every situation is very important. We want to
plant all the seeds we can.
When they had a disagreement, sometimes I would make them
sit across the room from each other in the living room and see if they could
figure out a way to fix the problem before they could get up and go play. They
soon tired of not being able to play so they quickly try and figure something
out, making it fair for each other. Once they figured it out, they would tell me
their solution and it was usually a good one and I'd praise them for figuring it
out on their own and let them back to playing again. It helped them learn that
they could sometimes figure out solutions to their own problems and being fair
to others, rather than needing Mom to be their judge and jury all the time.
After all, they won't always have me around when trouble comes later on with
their friends. By figuring how to get along with their siblings on their own,
and with their friends later on. It also helped with less tatter telling. I
never liked tatter telling.
Make sure we don't teach them to whine by whining
ourselves over loss of sleep, too much housework and chores to do, or whatever
else we don't like in our own daily life. We don't always enjoy our duties, but
we can keep our thoughts to ourselves if we can't be "sunny" about
them.
Sometimes little girls get whiny when they just need
their hair done and feel like they don't look nice. I learned this early with my
daughter. If I fixed her hair cute and yet out of her way for the day, and
dressed her decently, not just putting on oldies of outfits she didn't like, it
would change how she acted immediately. As an adult, I am still like this today.
If I don't take time to redo hair or have an outfit on that I don't like or feel
like I look good in, it effects everything about me, how I can focus, be
organized, take pressure, etc. Strange, but that's how most of us are
wired.
When they fuss from boredom, give them something to do.
Teach them that working together as a family, makes a happy family. I wish I
would have started even younger in having them help in all things...be an
everyday event not just when it was mine/or their idea. Letting them help makes
everything take much longer, doesn't get done as good, but when they are young
and want to please and get used to being at your side with all chores, it makes
them more responsible and less fussing over chores later on because they become
used to working as part of daily routine.
Always make them feel like they are doing a
big part and being a great help. I always fixed the things they would do ONLY if I could
do it without them knowing or seeing because I remember a lady telling me she
grew up thinking she could never do anything right because her mother would
fix/redo everything she tried to do.
Some children are more task oriented naturally and they
are easy to teach to work but for those who are not, it is important from very
young to get them used to working along side of you as part of life...even if
you have to redo everything (when they are not looking) it is still teaching
them and keeping them occupied as well. Sometimes when I was working in the
kitchen and I was working on something that they couldn't help, I'd let them
sweep the floor even if there was nothing to sweep or I knew it had to be redone
later (when they weren't looking) or peel something (even if didn't need right
away) fold clothes or something. If you think hard enough you can think of
something that makes them feel like they are helping even if they are not.
Sometimes if you know you are going to be working on something that they won't
be able to help or need out of the way, you could pull some type of dishes out
and put on the counter so there'd be something for them to wash when they'd come
in asking to help. They'll usually end up playing awhile in the water, but you
are together and "working". Ha!
How do you go about
training your children? (Giving them a choice, giving them discipline, leaving
them to work it out?)
That's
a tall order and so much ground to cover...praying for daily wisdom is best
school I know. I don't believe in giving kids choices all the time.
Sometimes it comes in handy to say...you can have "this" or
"that"...but not...what do you want, do you want to do your chores, do you want
to ___ ?? What I mean is that a child is not wise enough or have experience
enough to make wise decisions and they need the parent to be in control most of
the time...however, the balancing factor of that is giving them some choices so
they can learn to think things through, decide some things, or even learn
consequences to bad choices. All our parenting has to be balanced...too much of
anything, even if it's good could have a bad side too. Also, all work and no
play is not good, however too much play and not work is not good either and
making work fun teaches them that they have a choice in how they go about their
tasks...they can make it fun or make it a drudgery...the later only makes them
feel worse, rather than getting it done so they could move on to more delightful
things.
The time for discipline is when they
do something that they know is wrong, or disobeyed, disrespect, etc...sometimes
allowing a consequence for wrong choices, etc is good too so they can learn that
following rules and obeying are important and also the Bible rule of you reap
what you sow. The balancing factor to that though is occasionally when felt
needed, showing them grace...explaining to them that God gives us grace too when
He knows we made a mistake and it wasn't in our hearts to do so.
How do you build a good relationship with your
children? This is very important because you
can punish, correct, etc and if have no relationship then you are creating
rebellion sometimes in their heart. You can look at it like a bank, if you don't
deposit anything, you have nothing to withdraw. We go through times where it
seems more than at other times, like we are having to be constantly on them
about something. Make sure during those times, you are going the extra mile to
deposit into their bank "their" language of love so that they know you are
working with them in love when it comes time to reprove them again.
They also need to
know that they are more important to you than your work/fun or other people.
There were times when we had lots of guests and busy days and eventually they
would be fussy or grumpy because of previous lack of attention and when would
ask for me to read or play with them...I would remember how they had been put on
back burner. I would tell them that I had a lot of work to do, but they were
more important to me than that work...I didn't mind losing a little sleep to
finish up the work later and play with them for now instead. It was a way to
remind them that though life got busy for a little while, they were still more
important and I loved knowing that they knew that.
When it was crazy and
I had so much to do, I would try and warn them ahead of time and see if I could
incorporate them into being my big helper to get ready...sometimes just giving
them a useless job to make them feel important and needed, but mainly to keep
them busy and out of the way so I could speedily get things ready. Whenever I
could in between, I would hug, reaffirm...whatever I could manage to do until I
could focus on them again. It definitely isn't easy and some days you feel sick
or no energy, but if you know they need it, you just go ahead and be there for
them, read, hug, watch play, fix a snack (if one of their love language is food)
etc. One of my kids was my reader/talker, so after the other two younger ones
were in bed, we would stay up awhile longer and read/talk. One child loved to be
held and read to or just spend time with in any way, so I would have to leave my
work and see what they made or sit on floor and play a little while...just
spending that quality time would make the world wonderful again. One loved
eating and hugs or watching or doing things for them when they were little. It
would make the world right again. You learn what they need to feel special to
you as they grow and that is creating a relationship with them...something you
share with them after learning their love language.
Do you believe it's important to play with your children,
or do you feel that working with/training/teaching them in the every-day setting
is enough? Oh I think it's just as important
to play with them as teaching and training, though we must always keep a balance
in all areas. You can't be successful at the work and training part of it if you
don't have the play time (creating relationship) too...that doesn't mean it has
to be given the same amount of time as work...just that you do it, share laughs,
games, life, wonders...etc. For fun I would create treasure hunts, or go into
woods and we'd try to learn about something. Sometimes sitting close by and just
watching them play was enough for them. Making crafts of some kind was an
evening fun or when started home schooling, making that part of art work. I
always tried ways to make work more fun too, because I wanted them to learn that
work makes you feel good about yourself and what you accomplished, and there are
ways to make it more fun or make a game out of it. Then they also need to know
that sometimes we are on time limits and must put our all into the task at
hand.
When they grow up, life really is hard work, keeping a
home, or going out and providing for a family. You have to do the daily life
tasks daily whether you feel like it or not. If they are accustomed to working
everyday, (though we don't have to point out that it's work), having daily
chores, helping you throughout the day and making it fun when they join you, it
becomes a way of life.
Do you think it is
necessary to teach children patience by not giving them what they ask for
immediately, or do you feel that it better to meet their needs as soon as they
are voiced? That depends...I
think there are plenty of times to teach them patience in many different ways,
but there is definitely a danger in giving to them each and every time they have
a desire. There's a time to say no and have a reason and there are times that
they have to learn to trust you and except your no without an explanation. I
think you just keep all ways of teaching and training in mind to keep it
BALANCED. To much of anything is not good. There's a time to show grace...let
them know they deserve a spanking, but you are going to give them grace like God
does for us sometimes, and then the next time there is punishment showing them
they reap what they sow. There is a time to give to them right away when there
is a need and other times to teach them a little patience.
What's your view on
letting babies cry through the night vs. getting up to feed/change/etc.
them?
Bro.
Branham mentioned about mothers letting their babies cry and cry, and how it
would create neurotics. That comforted me when people got on my case for not
letting my babies cry like putting them to bed for the night and letting them
cry away forever. However, I did learn when they were crying or just fussing it
out. Some I was able to teach to go to sleep by themselves, others I was not
able...maybe I didn't do something right, but I couldn't handle them crying hard
or that broken hearted cry. One just needed to hold my hand and would go right
to sleep. I don't know whether that was right or not, but I couldn't handle the
scared cry of going to sleep in a room by themselves even though I tried to get
them use to that room by 4-5 months old. I think it's safe to let them fuss it
out if that is all they do and usually doesn't last long. We want to be aware
and make sure our babies are fed, warm or cool enough, dry diapers, etc and then
there is no need for them to fuss except when tired and we can tend to them in
such a way that we don't spoil them and teach them to cry for everything. If we
tend to their needs right away and stay on top of things then maybe they won't
need to cry for things as much and don't associate crying with getting
everything they want. I also think keeping their diaper dry and changed
regularly helps them in potty training down the road because they are used to
feeling dry and comfortable.
As for getting up and feeding them in the night, that is
a given when they are newborns...as for later on, I would still change them if
wet or dirty, maybe give some water, but avoided rewarding them with milk/food
at night unless very young and knew they were going through a growing spurt and
still only nursing. Some mothers start feeding foods sooner, rather than later,
but for me I think it's best to give them our own natural breast milk until 6
months if can. Each mother has to decide for herself, but for me I figured God
knew what He was doing and also breastfeeding longer helps get rid of built up
fat from pregnancy, bonds you and the child all the more, etc and nothing can
harm or cause allergies like we see so much of today. At six months their immune
system kicks in and they tend to get sick easily which builds immune system
up.
Now there are occasions when some mothers didn't produce
enough milk, even when taking natural remedys to help produce more milk. That is
rare but has been known to happen. I never had that happen to me, but if your
baby never seems satisfied, have it checked out. There are times they go through
growing spells and never seem satisfied, but it should never go longer than a
week or two. Your milk glands start producing more, the more frequent you nurse
during those growing spell times.
For the food subject, I always tried to do as much
naturally in feeding them as could, staying away from sugars ('cept natural
sugar in fruit), much salt, other ingredients...but each baby is different and
some are very sensitive in their taste buds and you have to put a bit of salt or
something to help them eat it. I would use just a touch of natural sea salt. I
liked cooking my own and blending their food myself, however, you have to be
realistic when traveling and take along some jars or something.
With my first one, I had time to make my own, freeze or
whatever I needed for travel as well as freeze up extra breast milk for times it
was needed for being around people. When they are between growing spells and not
nursing as frequently it was a good time to pump and stock up and freeze. With
each child I had less time and so I did what was necessary for functioning
better with ease of taking care of my kiddies.
This is me, however, and I know a lot of people out there
just want convenience. Each for their own, but for me, I was hoping they would
start out their lives with as healthy foods as possible. Giving them my best was
my way of showing love.
Do you have anything in particular that would really help
future mothers with raising their children? Anything imperative that we need to
know?
Here are some guidelines that I
thought was important based on my observance, experience, etc. I decided that
when my boys turned 5, I was going to tell them they were big boys and too old
to wear shorts anymore. That got them used to wearing long pants in the heat of
the sun at a young age when they weren't thinking on their own to ask "why". It
made them feel big to change over, start school, etc. I thought it was a good
age to start that and get them to think that way.
For my girls, I felt it very
important to work with them and breed into them to sit like a lady, keep dress
down, as soon as I knew they could understand (18 mo's +). I even came up with
code words, so that in the midst of company I didn't have to embarrass her but
get the reminder across. I also feel very strongly that you don't change their
undies or dress girls for bed in front of people (even relations)...how are they
to develop a sense of being conscious of their nakedness and realize the
importance of keeping dress down if you change them in front of people. I have
seen that over and over and then the mother wonders why her daughter won't get
the idea of keeping dress down and sitting like a lady.
I do know that some girls are harder
than others to teach. But we have such a lack for real ladies, even around the
ranks of the Message churches. I also don't care for girls wearing pants under
dresses...especially after they are 2. To me it doesn't look right for one
thing, not girly and I think thick tights are just as warm. If they know they
have pants on they feel comfortable to sit any ol' way and we don't notice so
easily to remind them. I realize if they aren't getting message at first and are
going to be playing with boys, I would think shorts underneath might be ok, but
I wouldn't do it unless necessary as we don't want them to rely on
them.
I remember going to school in just
knee highs when cold out. I usually don't get cold if legs are bare when outside
for awhile. I wonder if it's because I got used to the cold on my legs at a
young age. I don't know, but that was something I always felt strong about
because we lack real ladies like these days. I did have some girly outfits that
had blousey pants when my little girl was crawling. I wasn't crazy about them as
outfits, but they were given to me so for everyday I decided to use them. At
least they were girly, protected her knees/tights when crawling, so served a
purpose for everyday clothing and she was still very little.
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